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Commando Diplomacy

Commando Diplomacy. Building Skills and Tolerance for Having Difficult Conversations and Making Real Progress  By Meg Delaney and Amy Hartman Toledo-Lucas County Public Library. Says WHO?. Meg: Main Library Manager Covering things we can do as individuals

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Commando Diplomacy

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  1. Commando Diplomacy Building Skills and Tolerance for Having Difficult Conversations and Making Real Progress  By Meg Delaney and Amy Hartman Toledo-Lucas County Public Library

  2. Says WHO? • Meg: Main Library Manager • Covering things we can do as individuals • Amy: Collection Development Librarian, Union Negotiator, Facilitator • Covering things we can do as part of a group

  3. What can we do? • Fixing other people? • Understanding our own issues • Keeping expectations realistic • Confronting (productively!) rather than avoiding

  4. Never Forget: QTIP • Quit Taking It Personally

  5. Refocus Conversation Forward • Move toward results • Try not to move backward toward • Real slights • Perceived slights

  6. Taking the Long View • The secret of a drama-free work life • Treat others as you’d like to be treated • Face-saving techniques • Remember: We are each other’s patrons

  7. Success Lives Within • Being fully present • Achieving honest dialog, preserving relationship going forward • Choosing your response • Visualize success

  8. Have a Mentor/Ventor • Joys of working with passionate people… • Filter/siphon off unproductive feelings • Personally and Professionally • Keep focused on the real issues

  9. Mapping conversation for success • Preparation for calming a tense situation • Stay calm; avoid anger in your actions or words • Stick to the facts • Ask for the other person’s perspective or opinion • Propose your solution • Ask for the other person’s buy-in

  10. Prep for a One-on-One Meeting Notes for a meeting : • My critical needs in this meeting period: • What’s new: • Status on continuing projects: • How can I help you? • My own professional development:

  11. Expanding sphere of influence • Maintain common sense etiquette • Stay w/in bounds of professional ethics • Rely on facilitation skills • Stay above the fray/Objectivity • 5,000 feet • Congruence with values/beliefs • Avoiding the “gotcha”s

  12. Putting it together : Preparation • The Clerk/Shelver • Before conversation • Map facts • Get Supervisor on Board • Anticipate and prepare for negativity • Have the conversation • Share proposed solution w/ other appropriate staff for buy-in

  13. Putting it Together: the Event • Clerk/Shelver • Actual Conversation • Who should be there? • Where should it happen? • Follow “Script”

  14. Putting it Together: Follow-up • Clerk/Shelver • Post-conversation • Give and get feedback • “Test case” – what can be tweaked? • Catch good habits, praise and encouragement for job well done

  15. Dealing with Drama Bible

  16. Drama Roles • Complainer - whining, waffling, resignation • Cynic – Discounting, sniping, withdrawing • Controller – Steamrolling, micromanaging, impatience • Caretaker – Overcommitment, conflict avoidance, rescuing

  17. Complainer • Acknowledge w/o agreement • “I hear what you’re saying” • Appreciation • Value in their contribution • Reassure them of your confidence in them and their capacity to develop

  18. Cynic • Show interest in their area of expertise • Praise novel thinking • Express confidence in their abilities • Invite them to share wisdom and experience • Honor them for welcoming the ideas of others

  19. Controller • Honor their initiative and their desire to do the right thing • Demonstrate delegation and share benefits of empowering others • Make boundaries clear

  20. Caretaker • Commend projects completed in a timely manner, tough decisions made, or specific boundaries they’ve observed • Let them feel connected, graciously receive their praise • State how much you appreciate when they set boundaries and make tough decisions.

  21. Handling Emotion • Acknowledge & avoid ridicule/judgment • Take a break • Sometimes, venting can be useful • System-wide forums for Big Issues

  22. Magic Formula • 2 + 1 + 1 • Two positive comments Plus • One “difficult” issue Plus • One positive follow-up

  23. Dealing with Larger Groups • The uses and abuses of committees • Role of group leaders • Focus on task • Encourage participation • Keep track of duties/results

  24. Preparing for Difficult Meetings • Clear Agenda • Timeframes? • Agree to Norms and Guidelines: • One meeting – keep on track • Agree to Disagree – beware of interpretation/attack • Participate openly and honestly • Dignity, Respect, Confidentiality • Hanging issues/Parking lot

  25. Ideal Behaviors to Agree Upon • Talk Straight/Create Transparency • Demonstrate Respect and Loyalty • Confront Reality • Practice Accountability and keep commitments

  26. How to Map a Meeting for Success • Give a face-saving out • Avoid righteous indignation, no matter how smugly satisfying • Balance a difficult request with a “gift” – support you can offer to get the outcome you want • Anticipate negativity or contrary points of view

  27. Chart • Whole group can see ideas • Removes personal “ownership” • Seeing angry words can help diffuse • Focuses attention • Action items & responsibilities clear for all to see.

  28. Consensus • Point of maximum agreement so that action can follow. • Buy-in and support are essential for successful implementation of any plan

  29. Consensus is best when: • The solution is not obvious • The solution impacts more than one person • Time is available for thoughtful discussion • Commitment to the solution is important

  30. The Numbers Behind Consensus • 70% Comfort Level • Level at which all members “comfortable” • Can agree for the most part w/ decision • no serious disagreement • 70% agreeable,100% committed • Even if the decision isn’t exactly what one would choose, all will support it with positive communications/actions

  31. Benefits of Achieving Consensus • Process was fair • Understand decision criteria • Opportunity to be heard • “No” is okay, but alternatives must be identified/explored • Conflict can be healthy, Q-TIP

  32. Before leaving a meeting • Recap, noting what was covered, action items, assigned responsibility, time frames/deadlines posted where all can see and agree on. • Celebrateaccomplishments, no matter how small (beware irony/cynicism)

  33. The End? • Success stories? • Troubleshooting? • Bibliography handout online meg.delaney@toledolibrary.org amy.hartman@toledolibrary.org

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