Emotional & Relational Intelligence (ERQ TM ) in Effective Leadership: INTRApersonal Preparation

1. Emotional & Relational Intelligence (ERQTM) in Effective Leadership:INTRApersonal Preparation Gary J. Oliver, Ph.D. The Center for Relationship Enrichment John Brown University ©2009 Gary J. Oliver, Ph.D.

2. Preparing for a Crisis Corporate / Institutional Preparation Crisis plan, manuals, procedures, checklists, contact lists, etc. Personal / Individual Preparation There is a lot you CAN’T specifically prepare for and there is a lot that you CAN prepare for!

3. The Long-Term Impact of a Crisis • Crisis Happens • A crisis always has a ripple effect: Dealing with the initial impact of the crisis Dealing with the physical and financial impact Dealing with the psychological, emotional and spiritual impact

4. Dealing with crisis well ALWAYS involves dealing with our emotions and the emotions of others. • When we allow our emotions to be in control we’re more likely to “feel” there is more of a crisis than there really is.

5. Fear and uncertainty often cause the flight / fightresponses to kick in • Under pressure most people tend to react rather than respond • People with a higher ERQ are more likely to be able to “respond” rather than “react” or “over-react” in ways that only exacerbate the problem

6. The Surprising Road to Success in Leadership: The IQ Myth Moving Beyond IQ to ERQ

7. Competencies That Are Predictors of Success: PERSONAL Competence: ______personal Intelligence (EQ) INTRA RELATIONAL Competence: ______personal Intelligence (RQ) INTER

8. What Is Emotional & Relational Intelligence (ERQ™)? “The ability to be aware of, recognize and understand our own feelings and those of others and to constructively manage those emotions in ourselves and in our relationships.” Gary J. Oliver, Ph.D.

9. The Significance of EQ –What RESEARCH Tells Us Rigidity, poor relationships and inability to lead teams are the most common traits of executives who derail. Managers who derailed all had high levels of expertise and intelligence but many were arrogant and had a disdain for teamwork.

10. The Significance of EQ –What RESEARCH Tells Us Hay McBer’s study of hundreds of executives at 15 global organizations, including Pepsi, IBM and Volvo found that 2/3’s of the competencies deemed essential to success were emotional competencies.

11. The Significance of EQ –What LEADERS Tell Us “A leader’s intelligence has to have a strong emotional component. He has to have high levels of self-awareness, maturity and self-control. She must be able to withstand the heat, handle setbacks and when those lucky moments arise, enjoy success with equal parts of joy and humility. No doubt emotional intelligence is more rare than book smarts, but my experience says it is actually more important in the making of a leader. You just can’t ignore it.” Jack Welch, Former Chairman of General Electric Speaking to the Wall Street Journal

12. The Role of Our Two Brains in Dealing With Crisis The EMOTIONAL brain and the RATIONAL brain.

13. The Emotional Brain helps us make ______ decisions. QUICK

14. What Is an Amygdala Hijack? Trigger 1. There is a _______. 2. There Is an _______ Reaction. 3. There Is _______ Emotion. 4. There Is a Subsequent Feeling of _________. Instant Strong Remorse

15. The Rational Brain The Rational Brain helps us make SOUND decisions.

16. The Rational Brain The emotional brain processes information in 2 milliseconds. The rational brain processes information in 500milliseconds— 250 times longer.

17. Your ERQ is impacted by the amount of communication between your _____________ brain and your ___________ brain. EMOTIONAL RATIONAL BOTH are important!

18. The ERQ™ Model Self (INTRApersonal) Other (INTERpersonal) Relational Awareness Self- Awareness • Emotional Self-Awareness • Accurate Self-Assessment • Self-Confidence • Empathy • Listening • Values Differences Recognition (Awareness) Self- Management Relationship Management Regulation (Management) • Emotional Self-Control • Takes Personal Responsibility • Healthy Anger Management • Responds rather than Reacts • Effective Communication • Healthy Conflict Management • Influence • Collaboration & Cooperation

19. Quadrant I: Effective Leaders Have Self-Awareness Emotional Self-Awareness:knowing what our emotions are and recognizing how our emotions affect our performance

20. WHAT Are Emotions? • Emotions are a mental state that can arise spontaneously and not just through conscious effort. • Emotions involve a… • cognitive impact • behavioral impact • physiological (respiratory, hormonal and cardiovascular) impact

21. WHAT Are Emotions? There are over 600 words to describe emotions. There are 42 muscles in our face that we use to express them. Emotions are a great source of INFORMATION.

22. Why Are Emotions So Important? Research tells us that as go our emotional self-awareness, emotional self-control and empathy skills so goes the QUALITY of our leadership, our relationships and the quality of our life!

23. One of the 10 Critical Commandments for Effective Crisis Management Is: Thou shalt show EMOTIONandEMPATHY!

24. Quadrant I: Effective Leaders Have Self-Awareness • Accurate Self-Assessment:knowing one’s own inner resources, abilities, and limits. • Self-Confidence:a strong sense of one’s self-worth and capabilities.

25. The ERQ Model Self (INTRApersonal) Other (INTERpersonal) Relational Awareness Self- Awareness • Emotional Self-Awareness • Accurate Self-Assessment • Self-Confidence • Empathy • Listening • Values Differences Recognition (Awareness) Self- Management Relationship Management Regulation (Management) • Emotional Self-Control • Takes Personal Responsibility • Healthy Anger Management • Responds rather than Reacts • Effective Communication • Healthy Conflict Management • Influence • Collaboration & Cooperation

26. Quadrant II. Effective Leaders Manage Themselves “People with a strong ability to manage emotions can be passionate, but they also have good emotional self-control, tend to be even-tempered, thinkclearly when they are experiencing strong feelings, make decisions based on their hearts and their heads, and generally reflect on their emotions often.” (Caruso & Salovey, The Emotionally Intelligent Manager) Emotional Self-Control:keeping disruptive emotions and impulses in check.

27. What is the cost or impact on a team of a fellow team-member with LOW emotional self-control?

28. An ERQ™ Approach to Making Your Anger Work FOR You

29. What Are Some Non-Verbal Indicators of Anger?

30. Hurt Fear/Anxiety Major Causes of Anger • Frustration

31. The Cream Puff The Steel Magnolia What Does Unhealthy/ Destructive Anger Look Like? • The Locomotive

32. What Does HEALTHY and CONSTRUCTIVE Anger Look Like? • Responds • Honoring • Trusting • Caring • Anger communicated • Responsible • Proactive • Listens • Motivated by respect • Unselfish • Firm • I win/You win

33. How Can I Make My Anger Work FOR Me?

34. Have an Emotionally Intelligent Plan to Deal With the Anger Self Awareness • BeAWAREof it. • What kinds of situations are likely to trigger your anger? • How does a co-worker know when YOU are getting angry? • When are YOU most likely to experience anger? • Admit it andACCEPTresponsibility for it.

35. Remind Yourself of the Positive Things that Healthy Anger Can Provide. • It serves as analarm. • It is a powerful source ofenergy. • It is a source ofmotivation. • It can actuallyincreasetrust and intimacy in a relationship.

36. Self Management • Determine at the outset who/what is going to have CONTROL. • DEFINE it . . . identify the cause or source of it. • Choose your RESPONSE. How are you going to choose to INVEST the energy?

37. Emotional & Relational Intelligence (ERQTM) in Effective Leadership:INTERpersonal Preparation Gary J. Oliver, Ph.D. The Center for Relationship Enrichment John Brown University

38. The ERQ™ Model Self (INTRApersonal) Other (INTERpersonal) Relational Awareness Self- Awareness • Emotional Self-Awareness • Accurate Self-Assessment • Self-Confidence • Empathy • Listening • Values Differences Recognition (Awareness) Self- Management Relationship Management Regulation (Management) • Emotional Self-Control • Takes Personal Responsibility • Healthy Anger Management • Responds rather than Reacts • Effective Communication • Healthy Conflict Management • Influence • Collaboration & Cooperation

39. Quadrant III. Effective Leaders Empathize, Listen and Value Differences Empathy:sensing others’ feelings and perspectives, and taking an active interest in their concerns People don’t care how much you _____ until they know how much you ____! know care

40. What Empathy Isn’t

41. What Empathy Is Empathy begins with the awareness of another person’s feelings and then taking the time to try to understand what it’s like for them to feel what they are feeling. Empathy is choosing to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, hear through their ears, see through their eyes and feel with their heart.

42. What Empathy Is Empathy is choosing to UNDERSTAND. Understanding involves activating both the RATIONAL and the EMOTIONAL parts of the brain. Psalm 78:72 Jeremiah 3:15

43. What Empathy Is Level 1 Understanding: The ________ _______ I thought I heard you say ACTUAL WORDS Level 2 Understanding: What you didn’t say with your lips, what you might not have been able to put into words, but what you said with your eyes and face and heart. NEVER I will ________ be able to resolve or deal with what I don’t choose to understand.

44. What Empathy Looks Like In Times of Crisis Show up Begin where they are at Listen Remember, silence can be a good thing Help them clarify feelings Listen some more Don't rush them Clarify feelings In crisis people need: Safe Places Safe People Safe Situations

45. Barriers to Empathy differences • 1. Ignorance of __________ • 2. ____________ • 3. ____________ of others • 4. _______ attitude • 5. Lack of _____________ skills • 6. Poor ______________ skills Stereotyping Expectations Critical Quadrant I & II Communication

46. Empathy and Listening The secret of empathy is not talking but LISTENING. Research tells us that 70%of communication is miscommunication!

47. Empathy and Listening The secret of empathy is not talking but LISTENING. Research tells us that 70%of communication is miscommunication! Good communication takes place when we choose to make our primary goal UNDERSTANDING the other person rather than being UNDERSTOOD

48. Unhealthy Listening Patterns 1. The FAKER 2. The INTERRUPTER 3. The INTELLECTUAL or Logical Listener 4. The Happy HOOKER 5. The REBUTTAL Maker 6. The “DEAR ABBY”Wannabe

49. Improving Your Listening Skills 1. Make your primary goal UNDERSTANDING rather than being UNDERSTOOD. Never assume you know exactly what someone means by what you thought they said. 2. Be PRESENT. 3. Resist DISTRACTIONS.

50. Improving Your Listening Skills 4. Ask QUESTIONS and REPHRASE. 5. VALIDATE the speaker. 6. Manage your EMOTIONS. 7. Remember that listening is one of the most invaluable crisis management skills!