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Joe Bloggs is an average student. He thinks that the following are great sentences, because they use words from the prompt. PROMPT: Convince your parents you need a raise in your allowance. Joe’s sentence: There are several reasons I need more allowance.
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Joe Bloggs is an average student. He thinks that the following are great sentences, because they use words from the prompt.
PROMPT:Convince your parents you need a raise in your allowance.Joe’s sentence:There are several reasons I need more allowance.
PROMPT:Convince your parents to listen to your music.Joe’s sentence:Mom, there are many reasons you should listen to my music.
PROMPT:The dropout rate is currently 16. Should it be lowered? Support your answer.Joe’s sentence:The dropout age is too low for several reasons.
These sentences are satisfactory, but boring. They use dead words that you should not use in your writing.
Here are some words to avoid:DO NOT USE THEM IN SIMPLE SENTENCES AS THE MAIN VERB.
is was were are am have feels looks seems becomes acts seems do/does
For example:Don’t say: The light was bright.SAY: The searing light of the sun stabbed my eyes.
The verb “stabbed” is an action, and it conveys information better than “was” plus an adjective.Additionally, the new sentence gives you a sense of setting and purpose.
Standing at the grave, tears streaming down his sunken cheeks and staining his starched white shirt and tie, the boy remembered what it was like to have someone love him; he knew the sun would never shine again, now that the drunk driver had stolen his mother.
This is a better sentence because it uses dependent clauses(Standing at the grave, tears streaming down his sunken cheeks,) to set the mood.
The verbs are actions, not helping verbs:(“remembered,” “stolen,”)
The reader is given much more information about the why of the loneliness, through the images of the tear-stained tie and the gravesite, along with the universal tragedy of the drunk driver.
Look at these revisions for the prompts that Joe Bloggs messed up on:
“Getting paid for doing your job is good, right?” I asked my parents one night after cleaning the toilets in our 2 and ½ bathrooms.
Getting allowance teaches you about responsibility and finance.
“Music is a soothing way to make your body shake and mambo,” I told my mother and father.
The dropout age is now 16. In the year 2050, if this continues, think how bad a world this will create.
Why start a job so early when you have a long life waiting ahead?
In these examples, the students begin with questions, change boring dead verbs for living ones, and generally get off to a good start.
Read the next few sentences, then revised them, replacing the dead verbs with living ones, creating images that stick with the reader.
