Deceptive Communication in Intimate Relationships

1. Deceptive Communication in Intimate Relationships Melissa Austin

2. For many, an intimate relationship whether it is with a member of the opposite or same sex is an exciting time for them. Every human being desires an intimate/close relationship with another human being. For some their relationships last for a lifetime of happiness, for others deception takes over their otherwise amazing connection to their intimate partner. What exactly is deception? What is deceptive communication? More importantly, what is deceptive communication in intimate relationships? First, let’s define deception. Deception is defined as, the act of deceiving; the state of being deceived. Something that deceives or is intended to deceive; Fraud; Artifice. However, for most of us; deception is best defined as: lying and cheating. Deception has sadly been around as long as humans perhaps even during the Prehistoric Age.

3. There have been two experiments done on the communication of feelings in deceptive and non-deceptive messages. Both studies examined how access to different channels (face, body, speech) influenced the accuracy of receivers in detecting (1) the senders’ attempts to deceive and (2) the senders’ underlying affect. Along with this information they were interested in the interrelations amongst different receiving abilities. Experiment 1, Receivers viewed a videotape in which each of two senders described acquaintances in deceptive and non-deceptive ways. The Vision (face vs. body) and sound (on vs. off) channels were manipulated orthogonally or so they wouldn’t both equal zero. Experiment 2, was a partial check on the generalizability of the results of Experiment 1, two additional senders were used, and the sound manipulation was dropped. From this study deception was detected better from body channels than from face cues however, only when deception involved making a positive description of a disliked person. In Experiment 1, the presence of speech cues resulted in superior detection of deception and also enhanced the recognition of genuine affect of such in non-deceptive descriptions, while at the same time impairing the recognition of such affect in deceptive communications. In both studies there was an inverse relationship between accuracy in detecting underlying affect and accuracy in recognizing genuine affect. (Manstead, Wagner, McDonald, 317-318)

4. EXPERIMENT 1 • While researchers have done studies on face and body channels, some researchers in the field of communication of deception have studied the role speech cues play. Their experimental evidence suggests that the availability of speech cues enhances the accuracy of deception. There were at least two studies that failed to find this affect the DePaulo (1981); and the Manstead (1983) studies. However these studies failed to detect one researchers’ experiment did. The Zuckerman (1981) study found that a review of literature on verbal and non-verbal communication of deception identifies speech as the channel that produces the greatest deception accuracy, followed by our bodies, and then our face. There was very little evidence on the question of how the availability of speech cues can influence leakage accuracy. When DePaulo did his study he found leakage accuracy to be significantly poorer when speech cues were used. However another study done by Manstead found that the availability of speech cues didn’t significantly affect leakage accuracy. The researchers anticipated that deception accuracy would be superior when sound cues are present, although no predictions were made regarding the impact of sound cues on leakage accuracy. In addition the relative impact of face and body cues on deception accuracy and leakage accuracy was examined. The researchers anticipated that both types of accuracy would be superior when subjects were judging from body cues. ( Manstead, Wagner, McDonald, 319)

6. Many studies have been performed on deception in communication. Here I have another example. The Department of Psychology at California State University-Fullerton state: The use of deception in association with sexual encounters may take many forms, ranging from outright lies to more subtle, evasive manipulations. To address such deceptions, a behavior-based sexual deception scale was developed utilizing social exchange theory. Participants were 267 individuals associated with two large universities who were surveyed regarding different aspects of their sexual deceptive behaviors. In addition, items addressing sexually related behaviors and attitudes were assessed for validation purposes. Principal components analysis indentified three components of sexual deception, labeled Blatant Lying, Self-Serving, and Avoiding Confrontation. Confirmatory factor analysis verified the resulting structure, and promising validity was noted. In general, those using any of these deceptions reported more sexual partners and one-night stands. Those telling blatant lies to have sex were more likely to report greater needs for sex, while those using self-serving lies or having sex to avoid confrontation experienced greater worry about partner loss. Men were more likely to use blatant lies to have sex, while women were more likely to have sex to avoid confrontation. Results support sexual deception as an exchange process, with sex for pleasure and positive relationship outcomes acting as rewards, and unwanted sex and deception consequences as costs. Implications for health interventions and primary prevention applications are discussed. (Marelich, Lundquist, Painter, Mechanic 27)

7. Lying and deception within our society is found everywhere, literature, movies, self-help books, advice columns, and websites. According to Buller and Burgoon (1994), deception involves “controlling information to alter the target’s beliefs or understanding in a way that the deceiver knows id false.” There have been many ways to detect deception like the use of definitions and how and why they are used, to detect and have possible consequences. Most people use deception by telling blatant lies, trying to hide personal feelings, plans, knowledge, or whereabouts that benefit them. Other ways people could use deception is gaining something desirable that they could have not get with their own power, or also to avoid unpleasant situations, hurt feelings, and conflicts with others. The purpose of the Professors at California States’ study is to develop a scale assessing sexual deception practices, focusing on the lies individuals use to have sex with a first time partner or their current partner. They say the need to develop this assessment is very important because of sexual deception could contribute to the spread of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). People’s deceptions about their sexual history that includes the number of sexual partners, one-night stands, multiple sexual partners, their dating and marital affairs. (Marelich, Lundquist, Painter, Mechanic 27)

8. Both personality theory and psycho evolutionary psychologists say that individuals have an innate need or motivation for sex. Because of this motivation for sex, individuals will devise plans and actions to fulfill their need for sexual gratification. If sex is seen as a reward or gain; or is thought to be blocked lies will be used to interfere with deceptions given with both positive and negative consequences if the sexual encounter was to find out. Sometimes deceptions are used in another way to gain a type of social status. It is a type of social sexual exchange. Example: partner 1 may give more sexual resources than partner 2 however; partner 2 can one-up this with giving services such as presents or also love and gratitude. Michaels, Acock, and Edwards 1986, noted that sex is often used by women as an exchange resource. Impett and Peplau 2003, noted that consensual unwanted sex, finding that sexual capitulation was performed in part to impress peers, gain partner approval and promote intimacy, which can all be viewed as external rewards gained through sex. (Marelich, Lundquist, Painter, Mechanic 28)

9. Within intimate relationships, how often do individuals deceive their partners and what do they lie about? Saxe 1991, reported 85% of his sample lied to their intimate partner, with their deceptions focused on relationships with other people (i.e., unfaithful to one’s partner, kissing another person). Knox and his colleagues 1993, when taking college students found that most 92% lied at least once to their current or a past partner. Some of the top six lies told to previous partners 31.1% having an orgasm 26.2% saying that a partner was “the best” 17.5% saying the sexual experience “was good” 17.5% saying “I love you” or 8% reporting being a virgin. He and his colleagues also noted a small percentage that lied about having an STD or AIDS. A multi study done by Williams 2001, found that individuals were lest honest about the number of sexual partners in the past, the identity of their past sexual partners and whether they were unfaithful to their partner. More deception was found in individuals who were strangers as opposed to those who were primary partners. However the ones who had primary partners were more likely to deceive their current partners about how many sexual partners they have had in the past and whether any partners had an STD or if they were unfaithful to these partners. Rowatt Cunningham and Druen 1998 took note that some individuals tend to deceive potential relationship partners regarding desirable characteristics. Tooke and Camire 1991, found that some lie to their partners about a host of interpersonal issues as in, misleading about career expectations, being boastful, acting interested in the relationship when really not, issues eighth “enhanced bodily appearance, Like wearing make-up or brand name clothing to make them look more desirable. (Marelich, Lundquist, Painter, Mechanic 28)

10. Many who deceive don’t always stop to realize the consequences and circumstances they are leaving behind with their lies. Most of us feel hurt that your partner would deceive you in the first place or even ashamed at not seeing the “signs” that the relationship was going downhill. This mostly happens due to our nature of giving another the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes their lies can take on a very interesting fashion. Mostly those who fear rejection, like to bend the truth to make them look better, those with a dysfunctional desire to gain attention at any cost, or may even be con artists. Some of the time these individuals are so into themselves that they completely lose touch with reality and are unaware of these lies and cover-ups they are telling that it makes it extremely painful for the one on the receiving end to be lied to and deceived in such a way. When you discover your partner as being deceitful do you confront them or say nothing at all like this never really happened? Usually the answer all depends on the person and how important this relationship is to the receiving end of it. Another form of deception that is not considered “bad” is what we call those “white lies” that just partially hide the truth but a little comes out anyway can hurt just as much as a full-blown outright lie. Some like to the watch and see approach before determining if their partner is actually deceiving them. One of the worst types of deception is finding out your partner has a secret life they are hiding from you. Many o us go into a state of denial or shock because we do not want to have this happening to us. Our emotions come out at this point in the form of shock, anger, frustration, hurt and pain. Many times this is the point where all the good qualities of your partner starts to make us take a better look at this person you used to know and wondering where they went.

11. Going through the process of pain, hurting and denial we start to realize that this wonderful person who made you feel so good was all a lie. You really never knew your partner like you thought you did. A lot of time we find that the pain helps us heal and get out of our emotional state we are currently in. Acknowledging our anger helps us by not only do you have the right to angry at your partner but you can get angry at yourself too for being misled. Without this stage though you wouldn’t be able to go on and get to a better part of the road. It is cautioned to try to express our anger in a constructive manner so that we don’t hurt ourselves or others around us. There are many ways to express anger constructively by confiding a good friend, keeping a diary or journal, screaming into a pillow, writing a poem, a song, a book, or even confronting the partner that caused this pain. As each individual heals on their own time it could take someone longer to get over it than others so be patient and you will eventually move on. In this type of situation we learn things about ourselves and will be appreciative of the experience and even discover interesting characteristics of ourselves and the kind of people we allow in our personal space. (Katz, 1-3)

12. Deception in relationships is no stranger to any relationship whether your Straight, Gay, Lesbian, Bi-Sexual or Transgender. Every relationship has its ups and downs. It is up to us to recognize when the downs are more than just that. Before getting hurt we must ask ourselves are they worth it? If the relationship is worth it is a good question because no relationship is ever worth being hurt and deceived. Knowing when to get out and seek help is the most important thing you can do. Deception can take a turn for the worse so it is very important you where and who to ask for help.