Communication in Relationships

1. Communication in Relationships

2. Definition – a message one person sends and another receives content (what is communicated) vs. process (how it is communicated) constructive communication is relaxed, friendly, open, attentive, expressive and precise

3. verbal vs. nonverbal communication • the most important verbal communication is words used – they should soothe, give acceptance, recognition and reassurance • nonverbal communication includes posture, facial expression, muscle tension, blushing, heartbeat, speed of speech, tone of voice, dress, makeup or even symbolic gestures such as giving flowers, spending time with someone, etc. • sometimes verbal and nonverbal contradict each other – double binds

4. Good communication and marital satisfaction – highly related • good communication is the key to intimacy and the lifeblood of a marital relationship • study of wives

5. Barriers to communication • physical and environmental • situational • cultural • gender • report vs. rapport • competition vs. connection • process vs. outcome

6. Improving communication skills • motivation and concern – a positive feeling between spouses where they value and care for each other and want to develop • sympathetic understanding, • empathy (the ability to experience the feelings of another) • self disclosure – willingness to disclose one’s attitudes, feelings and ideas • moderately high self disclosure is important to communication as long as it is not focused on the negative • couples need relatively equal levels of self disclosure • clarity – the ability to reveal attitudes, feelings and ideas clearly and correctly • good listening – receiving messages accurately and not rehearsing what you want to say or closing off to negative things • feedback and reciprocity – feedback involves responding to what the other person has said as well as additional disclosure

7. Specific communication skills (role play) • Expressive communication • use “I” statements (indicates “no fault” communication, makes speakers position more understandable, elicits sympathy rather than defensiveness) • talk about a specific situation and how it made you feel (I felt “x” when you did “y” in situation “z”) • Receptive communication • be able to paraphrase or summarize what your partner said • validate partner’s feelings • demonstrate you understand why a person might feel that way even if you don’t agree • use good listening skills which demonstrate care and concern • Problem solving • once you have both elicited your perspectives of the problem, brainstorm possible solutions together • select one or two strategies and try out • review to see if strategies were effective and make changes where necessary

8. Gottman communication tips • Importance of time outs • Soften your startups • Make and receive repair attempts • Accept influence • Make 5 positive interactions to every one negative interaction (see study)