Family Roles & Relationships

1. Family Roles & Relationships December 5, 2012

2. Stats Percentage of 12- to 17-Year-Olds Who Have Used Substances • 47% of 12- to 17-year-olds who have used substances report that they never attend religious services • Children who have a negative relationship with their fathers are more likely to use substances than children from single-parent households • Most teens who do not use marijuana say the key factor in their decision not to use is their mother

3. Rules in an Unhealthy Family • The negative behavior is the most important thing in the family life. • The behavior is not the cause of family problems– denial is. • Blaming others, ignoring the issue, covering up, alibis, loyalty to family enables. • Nobody may discuss problem outside the family. • Nobody says what they feel or think.

4. Rules in a Healthy Family • Self-worth is high. • Communication is direct, clear, specific and honest and feelings are expressed. • Roles are flexible and appropriate. • Each person has goals and plans to get there, and is supported by the family. • Consequences are clear and appropriate

6. The Victim • The world revolves around this person when the family seeks help • Strengths: Fun, charming, problem-solver, resourceful • Deficits: Hostile, manipulative, aggressive, self-pitying, blaming • Core belief: “If I ___________, I won’t have to deal with these feelings.”

7. The Caretaker/Enabler • Tries to keep everyone in the family happy and will make excuses for poor behavior • Strengths: caring, empathic, good listener, sensitive to others, compassionate • Deficits: denies personal needs, tolerates inappropriate behavior, fears conflict, guilt, anxious • Core belief: “If I take care of you, you won’t leave me.”

8. The Lost Child • The “out of the way” family member that tries not to rock the boat • Strengths: independent, flexible, easygoing attitude • Deficits: unable to initiate, withdraws, indecisive, difficulty perceiving options, lacks direction • Core belief: “If I don’t get emotionally involved, I won’t get hurt.”

9. The Scapegoat • Acts out in front of others to draw attention away from the person truly suffering • Strengths: creative, honest, sense of humor, understands own feelings • Deficits: inappropriate expression of feelings, self-destructive, irresponsible, underachiever, defiant • Core belief: “If I scream loud enough, someone might pay attention.”

10. The Clown/Distracter • They often bring harmful humor into the family, making recovery more difficult • Strengths: sense of humor, flexible, ability to make others feel better • Deficits: attention seeker, immature, difficulty focusing, poor decision making • Core belief: “If I can make them laugh, there is no pain.”

11. The Hero • Tries hard to make other members of the family “look good” • Strengths: successful, organized, decisive, self-disciplined • Deficits: Perfectionist, inability to relax, inflexible, fears mistakes, needs to be in control • Core belief: “If I don’t do this, nobody will.”

12. Communication Continuum

13. Aggressive • Involves manipulation. • Attempt to make people do what we want by inducing guilt (hurt) or by using intimidation and control (anger) • Covert or overt, we simply want our needs met - and right now! • Although there are a few arenas where aggressive behavior is called for (football, war), it will never work in a relationship • Ironically, the more aggressive sports rely heavily on team members and rational coaches

14. Passive • Based on compliance and hopes to avoid confrontation at all costs • Don't talk much, question even less, and actually do very little • Don't want to rock the boat • Passives have learned that it is safer not to react and better to disappear than to stand up and be noticed

15. Passive Aggressive • Passive-aggressive passives avoids direct confrontation • Passive-aggressive aggressives attempts to get even through manipulation • Overtpassive aggressiveness - using sarcasm • Covert passive aggressiveness – consistently showing up late for class, dinner, etc.

16. Assertive • When you are expressing your feelings, wants and needs clearly and without manipulation • The most effective and healthiest form of communication • It's how we naturally express ourselves when our self-esteem is intact • Cares about the relationship and strives for a win/win situation • Establishes and maintains healthy boundaries

17. Communication Clearings • When I heard/saw you…(concrete behavior) • I feel…(ownership of feelings) • The story I make up….(ownership of thoughts, ideas, and judgments) • I ask… (request for change)

18. Triangulation • Dyads are inherently unstable as two people will vacillate between closeness and distance. • When distressed, they will seek a third person to triangulate. • You and your significant other get in a fight.  Who do you talk to?  Are they being triangulated?

19. Parenting Styles • Authoritarian: highly demanding, controlling, discourage two-sided communication • Permissive: allow their children to take care of themselves as much as they can, don’t make demands or set limits • Uninvolved (laissez-faire): neglectful or rejecting-neglecting • Authoritative: high acceptance, moderate demands, set firm guidelines

21. Why does it matter? • Authoritarian: children are obedient and proficient, but lower in happiness, social competence and self-esteem. • Permissive: low in happiness and self-regulation. Problems with authority and perform poorly in school. • Uninvolved: children lack self-control, have low self-esteem and are less competent that their peers. • Authoritative: children are happy, capable and successful.

22. “Check Your Baggage” • What might be influencing the parenting choices you make? • What were your parents’ parenting styles? • What role did you play in your family of origin? • How might your fears and anxieties affect your parenting decisions?

23. Contact • Jill Ahrens, Choices Counselor: (713) 512-3481, jahrens@ehshouston.org • Beth Fowler, School Psychologist:(713) 512-3404, bfowler@ehshouston.org • Adam Greene, Dean of Spiritual Life: (713) 512-3409, agreene@ehshouston.org • Lauren Weiner, Choices Intern: lweiner@ehshouston.org