Assertiveness

1. Assertiveness Dr Ian Harris

2. Learning Outcomes • What is Assertiveness • Recognising Behaviours • Why should you be more assertive • Understanding Beliefs, Rights and Responsibilities • How to be more assertive

3. Agenda/Contents • Assertiveness: an Introduction • Rights, Responsibilities, and Beliefs • Assertiveness Skills • Starting to be more Assertive

4. Ice-Breaker • What do you want to get out of today? Use the sheets on the table to outline your expectations of the day – you have five minutes…

5. Introductory Scenario

6. What is Assertiveness • Consider what Assertiveness is – come up with a definition of what you think assertiveness is… • Confident and direct in dealing with others • Collins Concise English Dictionary • Assertiveness is upholding one’s own integrity and dignity whilst at the same time encouraging and recognising this behaviour in others

7. Three Human Behaviour Types • Flight – Non Assertive • Fight – Aggression • Assertiveness – Considered response to difficult situations

8. Recognising Behaviours • Non Assertive • Assertive and • Aggressive • Time for a quick exercise

9. Group Activity • With Whom can you be assertive? • In your group come up with a list of when you can be assertive and with who • When can you be assertive?

10. A key to assertiveness • Using assertiveness we balance the needs of others with our own needs • We empathise

11. How do people come to be non-assertive • Fear of unpleasant consequences from assertion • Perceiving situations or other people as threatening • Failing to accept your assertive right • Failing to think rationally about yourself • Confusing assertion and aggression • Failing to develop assertive skills • Equating non-assertion with politeness • Confusing non-assertion with helpfulness

12. Our Reason's for Non-Assertive Behaviour • Fear of Upsetting Others • Fear of Rejection • Feeling Responsible for the other person • Self Defeating Mind-Games • Generalising, Doomsdaying, Labelling, Mind Reading, Filtering, Personalising • The Tyranny circle of musts • The prison bars of inappropriate obligation

13. Non-Assertive Behaviour (cont.) • Self-Talk – Failure and Success Circles • The Tyranny of Inner Voices • “Don’t make a fuss” – now come up with some of your own…

14. Aggressive Behaviour • Define an aggressive person: • Aggressive people know what they want and like and usually get it, in their minds they are superior • Normally, developed young, identified that aggressive behaviour got them what they wanted

15. How do people become aggressive • They perceive situations or other people as threatening • Believing that aggression is the best approach • Earlier Non-assertion • Over-reaction because of a previous experience • Failing to think rationally about yourself • Failing to develop Assertive skills

16. But don’t you have to be aggressive to get to the top? • Senior people behave aggressively don’t they? • Perhaps they do assert themselves, sometimes blatantly, especially in meetings when objectives have not been met • Often success is attributed (wrongly) to aggression – but is success and aggression correlatable • So, yes Senior Managers can behave aggressively, but they rarely behave aggressively for long and they rarely bully

17. So Why be more Assertive • Setting the expectations of an irate customer or supplier • Conveying bad news to senior management • Carrying out an appraisal with a member of staff that is not positive • Chasing people who have not done a required piece of work for you

18. Assertive Behaviour • So what can an assertive person do..? • Psychological Advantages • The Liberation of Inner Voices • The Liberation Circle • Affirmations

19. Rights, Responsibilities, and Beliefs

20. Rights and Responsibilities • Spend five minutes, as individuals, pairs or groups • Identify some basic human rights • Be treated with respect • To express opinions • To say no • To ask for what you want • To make mistakes • Change their mind • Get what they pay for

21. Responsibilities • Being accountable for one’s actions and decisions • We must treat other people as we expect to be treated ourselves • You must therefore respect the rights of others to say “no” to your request and if you say “no” to someone else’s request you are responsible for managing that impact on the relationship

22. Rights I have the right to: Be treated with respect Express opinions and feelings Set my own goals Refuse a request or say “no” Ask for what I want Responsibilities Consequently my responsibility’s are: Respect the rights of others Welcome the opinions and feelings of others Help others set goals Encourage others to use their time in the way that they want Encourage others to fulfil their needs Corresponding Responsibilities

23. Rights and Responsibilities at Work • Statutory Employee Rights • Organisational Employee Rights • Personal Employee Rights • Responsibilities at work

24. Beliefs • Beliefs define your ability to determine your rights • Beliefs are what you hold true • You should not be cheeky to your elders • You should not borrow more than you can afford to pay back • We feel emotionally certain about these, even if on close questioning we don’t understand why we feel that way

25. How do beliefs affect behaviour

26. Barrier Beliefs • Barrier Beliefs act as a barrier to stop you acting assertively • There are some aggressive and non-assertive barrier beliefs

27. Assertive Beliefs • I am responsible for what happens to me • I am in control, I can choose how to behave • I can change • I can initiate actions and achieve results • I can learn from feedback • I believe assertiveness does work

28. But how can you modify Beliefs • Know what your barrier beliefs are • At school you were called thick by your teacher for asking questions, on reflection now you realise that asking questions is essential, however, you still suffer from feeling un confident for asking questions • Contrast the belief with the knowledge you now have • Know what other people believe • Look for instances that disprove the belief • Acting “as if” you held a different belief

29. Assertiveness Skills Practicing Skills

30. Contents • What you say, and how you say it • Starting to be more assertive • Making Requests • How to give assertive instructions • Negotiating Assertively • Negotiating an excessive workload • How to disagree • Giving Praise and Feedback • Receiving Praise and Feedback • Giving Bad News • Handling Aggression

31. Verbal and Non Verbal clues to Assertiveness • What you say • The way you say it…and • Your body language all influence your assertiveness… • Which do you think influences assertiveness most? • Body Language must be reinforcing the message!

32. What you say – verbal aspects of behaviour • What you say influences perception • The way you say it influences perception • How you act/behave (non-verbally) influences perception

33. Non Assertive Body Language

34. Non Assertive Body Language • Posture • Bent, Slumped, Crooked • Facial Expression • Blank, Half Smiling, Uninterested, Afraid • Eyes • Looking Down, Minimum Eye Contact • Speech and Voice • Quiet, Slow, Weak, Quick (when afraid) • Gestures • Restless, Nodding Head, Pinching Flesh, Wringing hands

35. Aggressive Body Language

36. Aggressive Body Language • Posture • Rigid, Tight Fists, Clenched Teeth • Facial Expression • Tight Jaw, Glancing, Frowning, Eyes Squinting, Tense • Eyes • Staring, Bulging, Glazed over • Speech and Voice • Fast, Loud, Clipped, High Pitched, Demanding, Opinionated • Gestures • Pointing, Finger wagging, Finger stabbing, Invading personal space, Tense

37. Assertive Body Language

38. Assertive Body Language • Posture • Upright, Relaxed, Open • Facial Expression • Committed, Concerned, Interested, Responsive • Eyes • High Eye contact • Speech and Voice • Direct, Relaxed, Friendly, Well Moderated, Not Strained • Gestures • Open, Hands not raised above elbow, Parallel Shoulders

39. Exercise Time • Voice • Speech Pattern • Facial Expression • Eye Contact • Body Movements • A quick summary

40. Let’s check out some video taken earlier

41. Starting to be more assertive

42. Starting to be more assertive • Making Requests • How to give assertive instructions • Negotiating Assertively • Negotiating an excessive workload • How to disagree • Giving and Receiving Criticism • Giving and Receiving Praise and Feedback • Giving Bad News • Handling Aggression

43. Making Requests • Have you ever found it difficult to make requests of others? • How do beliefs affect your ability to make requests • Or you may think aggressively • Don’t forget there are personal and professional requests!

44. How to make requests • Don’t apologise profusely • Be Direct • Keep it short • Give a reason for your request • Don’t sell your request • Don’t play with friendship • Don’t take a refusal personally

45. How to give more assertive instructions • Management is about asking people for what you want • But were you taught as a child that asking for things is rude? • We make excuses and play games • A model for assertive instructions • “Mary will you complete that report before you go home tonight so that I can have it for the Management Meeting first thing tomorrow” Thank you

46. Negotiating Assertively • Can you say “no” if someone employs you? • Ideally, rather than say no – two assertive people would fabricate a win/win scenario • What’s the difference between a win/win and a compromise • Practice at developing Win/Win will lead to more win/win outcomes – it’s self replicating

47. The principals behind assertive negotiation • Clarify the other persons needs • Consider what might happen if you have been asked by your team presenter to present the report via power point the following day. The slides are all completed he says, you just need to deliver the content – what questions might you ask?

48. State your position positively • Show recognition of the other person’s needs • Subtly state that you are looking for a win/win • Can we find a way to make this work for both of us? • I’d like to agree with you an approach that we are both happy with • State your own needs • I do want to help on the project, however • If they are your boss state that you respect their right to make the final decision • Sound and look positive

49. What about Hassles? • Roadblocks kills negotiation – keep the traffic flowing even if they are coming up with crass reasons to de-rail • E.g. Nobody else has complained • Response – I accept no one else has complained, nonetheless it is a problem for me • I’ve always helped you out • Response - Yes you have and I want you to help me on this one. However, we need to look for another way of doing it

50. Negotiating Excessive Workloads • Are excessive workloads a sign of the new economy? • Can you really negotiate on workloads – I mean I’m contracted to deliver my responsibilities • I am weak • I ought to be able to handle this pressure • If I complain, they’ll only think that I cannot cope • I’m only doing the same hours as everyone else • I’ve done it for the last 6 months, why am I complaining now • BUT, you have a home/life balance you need to maintain